Distance and Boundaries

In relationships, when do problems arise? Do you know? Almost always - when there is a violation of distance and hierarchy. We often get too close to each other, sometimes even suffocating with our care, and then wonder why they are upset?

Very often in relationships, we deprive others of fresh air - breathing it in their face, not allowing them to turn away. Every living creature needs personal space. For some, the space should be large, for others, a minimum is enough.

Very often we let people get too close, without discerning whether this is the right person and is he allowed to come here? We leave the house of our soul open, and sometimes anyone can walk into the bedroom with their shoes on, thereby violating our integrity. Moreover, sometimes this person does not do it out of malice; he does not even understand how he ended up there and why he was wearing dirty shoes. Our responsibility is to learn to build the necessary distance with people so that everyone in the relationship feels comfortable and good.

We are not obliged to always stand close to each other even with the closest people; it is much more comfortable to communicate with most people at arm's length. And you can decide for yourself what distance between you is optimal.

It can be challenging for "good" girls: it's uncomfortable for them, but they can endure it.

People who break into other people's houses without permission and take personal belongings from them are punished by law and are affected by society. The house is an extension of the subtle body of a woman. Any violation of her boundaries, any - even small - violence against her, any invasion, insult, humiliation - all this has a destructive force.

Examples of how other people violate our integrity:

  • They intrude into our personal lives with their questions, sometimes tactless.
  • They pour out their sorrows and sorrows to us with or without reason, without asking whether we are ready to accept their pain.
  • They invade our lives with unsolicited advice.
  • They break into our souls with their criticism.
  • They force us to do what we don’t want.
  • Put pressure on feelings of guilt and shame in order to get something from us.
  • They don’t ask what we want, they impose on us their vision of the world, their goals and dreams.
  • They put pressure on us because of our views and way of thinking.
  • They promise us love and care in exchange for something unpleasant for us.

It's essential to note that people do to us only what we allow them to do. Unconsciously, we help others violate our boundaries. Why do we do this? There are several reasons:

  • We don't know how to refuse and say no.
  • We don't hear the voice of our hearts.
  • We try to be good for everyone.
  • We try to do everything perfectly.
  • We want to please everyone and not upset anyone.
  • We suppress our negative emotions.
  • We agree to endure for our own benefit.
  • We abuse our bodies and souls for something (money, respect, recognition, love).
  • We try to earn the love of other people.
  • We focus on problems, not noticing the good.
  • We don't know how to thank the world for what we already have.

The most crucial thing is that we don't know how to establish the right distance in relationships.

And precisely when we betray ourselves, there is an executor in the world who does something that violates our integrity. We consciously place a fragile vase on the edge of the table so that someone passing by could accidentally knock it over. We allow the vase to fall and break. And the person who dropped it may be completely innocent. He was just passing by.

The problem is that we keep our vase in an unclear place. Instead of putting it in a large cabinet behind glass and locking it. We don't lock the door to our soul; we give keys to everyone, as if inviting everyone to enter at any time. Instead of clearly defining the boundaries of what is permitted, we smile when dishes are broken and furniture is destroyed in our beloved home.

We treat the most valuable - the soul - as if it were a trinket. As if it could be exchanged for guarantees. Just like our body.

We allow people to do everything with us that was previously unthinkable. We have sex with more than one man in our lifetime. We allow men to touch us even when we are not married. We allow ourselves to be used without taking any responsibility for us. We allow them to sit on our fragile shoulders and drag with all our strength - even crawling. We allow people to abuse us and stay in abusive relationships.

We have the right to be the complete person. Moreover, we are obliged to protect and preserve this integrity.

You should start a relationship with yourself. Stop raping yourself. Stop beating yourself up. Learn to support yourself. Believe in yourself if no one believes. Learn to set boundaries. Allow yourself not to communicate when you don’t want to. Hear yourself. Listen to your heart. Save your resources. Take care of yourself - both your body and your soul.

In any relationship that causes you pain, you should first step back to a safe distance. Step back, experience the feelings that arise. And then - if you want - gradually reduce the distance to what is comfortable for you. This is the most important recipe for changing any relationship. Just try it.

And also, think about how often you violate someone else's integrity by trying to get too close to them.